One problem is that I somehow acquired a boyfriend a month ago (which is why I've hardly been on the Internet, though I do miss it). I know that's not generally seen as a problem, but it is to me. I wish it weren't, which just makes it even more of a problem. I've only ever had two relationships (including this one), and I haven't liked either one of them. Not only that, but I can't just see people EVERY DAY; I'm too much of an introvert for that. When I'm not busy I just want to be alone and mess around on the computer and read and wear my ugly fleece pants and sit on the couch watching Jon Stewart while eating bagels.
If I don't break up with him I'll be unhappy, and if I do break up with him I'll feel awful about it and be unhappy about the likely possibility that I'll never be able to have a relationship that makes me feel the way people do in movies or books. It just makes it worse that when I'm not in a relationship (which is pretty much all of the time) I think about how it would be nice to have someone. After I do I just wonder what I've gotten myself into and why I ever thought it would work. I broke up with my last boyfriend even though he was smart, interesting, and had similar thoughts on important topics because I just couldn't get myself to care about him that much and I didn't want to do any relationship-y things. The only sadness I felt afterward was from my own worries about how abnormal I must be to not have formed any romantic connection.
I feel the same way now, only instead of merely being worried I'm outright depressed about it. After having the same feelings two out of two times it seems highly unlikely to me that I'll ever have a relationship that I can even tolerate for more than a few months, much less be happy with and want to stay in. Even if I think I like someone, I'm pretty sure I'd end up only wanting to be friends or just getting annoyed with them entirely. This is probably tied in with the irritating condition that I have of not being able to tell if I have crushes on any or all of my friends - since I have high standards for friendship, I can't differentiate between my criteria for liking someone as a friend and liking someone romantically and can't understand how people even know when they like someone. Sadly, I think this might be because I wind up only wanting to be friends with everyone anyway.
The thing is, I know I can be attracted to people, but I suspect that even if I were in a relationship with my ideal person (which, let's face it, is totally just Blixa) I'd feel the same way about it as I do now. I think I'm only okay with being attracted to people from afar and imagining them in relationships with people who are not me. I guess that makes it easier to pretend that I'm not alone on account of being completely messed up and confused.
Tonight I got my boyfriend (it's still weird to say that) to leave earlier than usual because I needed to do my German homework, but it's two hours later now and all I've done is write this, start crying, and feel so anxious that I can't breathe properly. Now I need to write a short paper describing someone's physical characteristics, personality, likes, and dislikes. My professor said that fictional characters and celebrities were fine, so I think it's safe to do mine about 80s-era Blixa. I don't think that half a semester of German 101 is quite sufficient to capture him, but whatever.